I’ve been really good about the lack of bitching on here lately (trying to stay positive here!), though I do post some controversial articles on Facebook.  My mother is always questioning and even scolding me about these. She defends mainstream folk, I trash them; it’s the usual argument we always have. This has been going on since I was a child. At least we can discuss it, she’s not stupid. Thankfully, because I can’t argue with stupid.

Truth is, I like to make waves. It irks me when people don’t question anything. I love forcing people to think, even if it makes them very uncomfortable. I love change and I love it when the world and people are constantly changing around me. I like to toss all learned social behaviours and traditions out the window and construct my own rules after dissecting all the information. I never take anything at face value. I am skeptical, opinionated and judgmental. The way I am, is the reason some people are my friends and some people aren’t. Not everyone can handle the constant analysis of every thought I have. It’s unfortunate. I wish I was less intense, but I’m not.

So you’re wondering, where is the rant part right?

Here it is:

Many of you have witnessed my slow but steady mental demise over the past 2 years through this blog. I’ve experienced a lot of uncomfortable and painful situations and to top it all off, I am in a small city where I feel very uneasy and out of place. It is hard to be myself 100% , because some people get offended or intimidated by me. I stick out like a sore thumb, especially when I speak or voice my opinions. I live in a very passive culture but come from a very assertive one. I am far from passive.

Here, my discussions about carbon footprint don’t appear very interesting next to reality t.v, hockey games, baby stories or a drunk fest at someone’s house, so they just get tossed aside. Few around here want an intellectual who thinks too much, especially a woman. But men here can be forward and opinionated and no one flinches.  You all know by now, that I can’t live in a place where the core values practiced are from the 1950′s and where a heavy Christian influence exists. I see more children here getting married and having kids than anywhere I’ve ever lived. Sexism is apparent and not scorned, the women don’t even notice it!

Yes, I realize this keeps me out of a lot of places but I am o.k with that, I know where I can and can’t live. It is what it is, I can’t change it, unfortunately. I’ve been wanting to leave here for about 5 years now. And with any luck, this is the last year I’ll be living here. This isn’t news to any of you.

Bare with me here….I know you’ve heard some of this before.

However, it is beautiful by the ocean, the air is clean, the tap water tastes good and you can still trust your neighbors. Oh and of course the thrift stores, can’t forget those..best ones I’ve ever been to anywhere. That’s about it.

The few people who share my core values & lifestyle have already moved away or live in big cities. (these are the people I go visit when I leave here every 2 months). I am lucky to have those guys, they are amazing human beings. You know who you are.

This is the good news: My mental state has greatly improved since being back from my 2 week getaway last month. Although I am a loner with no social life at the moment, I am very happy with everything else. Though as you know, I just need to move out of here. Everything else is perfect. My loner status and lack of social life is only temporary. It doesn’t even bother me that much anymore. I am finally getting some socializing from my Airbnb guests lately, who have all been incredible & interesting people. I am finally able to have some intellectual discussions and meet other urban or well-traveled multilingual people who I connect with on some level. It’s amazing how charged I feel after good discussion. I do have them with my partner often during the week, but it’s nice to experience different perspectives and pick other people’s brains. Now that I have reopened Airbnb for business, I feel a whole lot better.

Why am I setting this story all up again? For those readers who are new. I wanted to paint a picture before I continued on…

A lot of people are gone from my life now that I’m my true self; and I’m not talking about the ones who died in the past few years, which is a whole slew of people. Believe it or not, the depression and melt downs I’ve experienced, have actually helped me see clearer. I am over the worst now and the re-building of my soul has finally begun again. I did a lot of traveling & a lot of introspection to get through it and of course my poor close friends have also endured weeks/months/years on end of me bitching and complaining about this redneck backwards town I live in.

But as things cleared in my head, bit by bit over the last couple of years, I started seeing things and people around me that didn’t fit anymore. They didn’t fit with who I am inside and what I stand for. I never shopped at box stores, ate fast foods or drank bad coffee often yet somehow while living here, I was doing that more. My eating habits, wardrobe and everything else was changing bit by bit over time, for the worst. It also seems that the only reason people wanted me around or as a friend was to help them get through something difficult or open their eyes. Then when my job was done, so were they with me. No one wanted the discussions, they just wanted to be helped and for some reason they picked me to do it.

I totally lost myself. I had been compromising who I truly am inside. Not because I was ashamed but since I would have probably been alone for 10 years without friends, hadn’t I compromised a little bit. I guess it just went too far and I had to scrap it all and start from scratch.

I had to let everything and everyone go, because I had to be me, 100%.  I was also tired of playing nice and trying to fit in because the truth is, I will never fit in here. I dislike hockey with a passion, I am not a drinker and don’t like pubs or beer (even my Airbnb guests have told me that they see drinking is the primary way people socialize here), I am not outdoorsy, I dislike shopping at malls or business parks and I am not married with 2.5 kids like everyone else my age around here and I don’t believe in old fashioned traditional family values or even monogamy for that matter. I get along with some men  here but their girlfriends/wives don’t “allow” them to talk or hang out with me. Yep, that shit is real. Idiotic, but real. People here don’t like strong women either, I was told this flat-out by a local.

I am an equalist and progessivist and apparently that’s just too advanced thinking for locals unless they’re academics. You can’t even discuss sensitive topics with anyone. The basic social convention here dictates that talking about your kids, hockey, weather, food and booze is palatable for the masses but leave the rest of the dirt to discuss with other people behind closed doors, where no one else can hear you.

Who wants to live like that?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live a life where I have to be quiet all the time, can’t voice my opinions and have to constantly worry about what comes out of my mouth. I also have no secrets and nothing to hide, something else that is apparently uncommon.

I’ve also stopped asking some people to hang out, it’s pointless. I don’t have much luck with locals saying what they mean, they seem to talk in code. So the invitations I’ve received so far, have all been politeness invitations, not real ones. Who does that? No one ever collects. They all keep me at arm’s length but somehow still want to have me around, it’s weird.

I am fine with these temporary setbacks as I feel amazing in my body and spirit. I feel completely relaxed and happy with my life, now that I am back to my old self and have tossed all the unnecessary people and things out of my life. If socializing doesn’t happen till I move, that’s fine too. Being who I am is way more important than having people around, I hope you all know this too. If no one here accepts me for who I really am, then there isn’t much I can do. I’d rather be invited to parties or coffee dates for the discussions & controversy I can bring to the table over being invited because I am nice, passive and am willing to get sloshed in someone’s kitchen. Just saying. I refuse to compromise, I’m so done with it.

I haven’t actually felt this relaxed in a long time. Some very interesting events are happening in regards to this moving-thing too and it finally looks as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Though I am not holding my breath at this point, things are moving and changing around me very fast right now and I can’t wait to be taken away with the wind, to my new fruitful life.

So the time has come for me to get the fuck out of here and I couldn’t be more ready. I don’t think it would have been a good idea for me to move out of here while I was still all messed up. I am finally ready to tackle this complex world again and leave this confining village and its people behind me for good.