Consider being yourself & Everything will Flow!
|May 25, 2012||Posted by under General Content & Rants|
I’ve written about this before, but I am of sound mind now and felt that it would come out a little less angry this time around.
I know this is a strange title for a post. It sounds a bit new-agey but bear with me, it’s an important subject.
I believe that we’re all guilty of compromising ourselves in some way. We’ve all done it at some point or another. I know I have. This is what got me in trouble in the first place.
My partner often says this regarding fakes (I’m paraphrasing) : “If you pretend long enough in life, one of two things will happen: You will either become the person you are projecting and believe you are that person (therefore never being your true self), or you will eventually crack and break out of it and become yourself” (which is usually what people call a mid-life crisis – generally, that is when someone stops compromising as they are unhappy with their life or just can’t pretend anymore).
Something has to give, either you’re a fake who’s convinced themselves that you’re that person you’re projecting, or you get so tired of pretending that you eventually just lose it, scrap the act and start over from scratch.
The problem is that we’re all worried about what others think, to some extent. I know that I always say I don’t care what people think about me (which is generally true), but deep down, I know that people’s reactions can make things more difficult for me. We’re all humans with feelings, unless of course you’re a sociopath.
Interestingly enough, we convince ourselves that it’s just “easier” to “not say this” or “do that” or “act that way” because of possible backlash from others. So you avoid a bunch of things you would normally be doing or saying, so you can please or not upset others. Nothing wrong with pleasing others but not at the expense of being your true self.
When I came out of my dark hole after I subconsciously and even systematically scared away half my acquaintances from my depression and anger, everything around me started to change for the better. Everything started to flow. Oddly enough, I scared away the people who needed to be scared off; the ones who aren’t even supposed to be around in the first place. And the ones who matter, never took off or got scared of my antics. Few remain in my circle. But I am thrilled about this.
Then, I felt safe bringing out the other side of myself, hoping that no one else was going to flee. And the most interesting part?: When I came out of my hole, started acting like my old self again while reintroducing some old traits I had ditched years ago, everything in my life started to flow. Everything.
I also saw a huge change with a friend of mine within days. I will not share their personal story because, well, it’s personal! But I also saw them stop compromising who they are and all of a sudden, this person’s energy changed and everything around them started to change and flow. Happiness followed very shortly afterwards. Everything got better very quickly for this person, even they were surprised about it!
It’s amazing what actually happens when we let ourselves just “be”, when we don’t hold back who we truly are inside, even the quirky parts. It’s a bit scary at first because the truth is, that we will be judged by some people. It won’t be fun. It might even be upsetting. But once all that discomfort is over, all the right people and situations will just fall into your lap. Yep, really.
Seeing people compromise and settle because of others, makes me sad. I know how much happier they could be if they stopped living their lives for other people or to avoid upsetting anyone. The sad part, is that most people are doing this. They are compromising who they are to some extent, in order not to make waves with people around them, be ridiculed or questioned.
For the record, I am not saying that you have to tell your boss about that gimp mask you have hidden in your closet.
There is no need to divulge everything to everyone. That is not the message here. It is the ones who are close to you, the ones in your life who you love that should know exactly who you are, 100%. These are the people who matter and who deserve to know who you are. And they deserve a chance to accept or not accept who you are. It’s fine if someone doesn’t accept you, it just means they weren’t meant to be in your life. Trust me, when some go, others will come.
Compromising oneself happens often in relationships. Imagine that, being with someone and they don’t really know everything about you, even the weird kooky stuff! I want the people I date to know everything because I’d rather them love me for who I truly am, than for the concocted version I decided to present to them. (for those new readers who don’t already know this: I am “Poly”)
Surprisingly, I’ve never compromised myself in relationships, only in other parts of my life! (what was I thinking?). If someone thinks I am too assertive, quirky, intense or crazy then I don’t want them around. I want to date people who love those quirks, not the ones who will try to change them. If your partner is trying to change anything about you, or you’re not quite alright with some of their own behaviours or personality traits, it is best to let them go, not change them. Loving 90-95% of a person isn’t enough. Sorry. You need to love 100% of who they are and not want to change anything about them. Nothing. Once you have this, you know you have true love. Those people who say that no one is perfect don’t know what it feels like to truly be in love. If you’re in love, the person IS 100% perfect to you. (this is not utopian as I still feel this way after 17 years with my primary partner). I’d never ever change anything about my partner. He’s awesome and I love all his quirks.
Do not ever try to change people even if you think it’s “for their own good”. Let people be themselves even if you hate or dislike some of their personality traits or habits. Your job isn’t to turn people into who YOU want them to be. Sure, you might be very annoyed with that person and some of their traits but someone else out there will love it all, even if you don’t. So please set them free instead of trying to alter their natural ways. It’s less hassle and you’ll all be better off anyway. And for those women who say they have/want to “train their men”? That’s just wrong and insidious. And make sure you don’t ever say this nonsense to my face.
Logically, it makes sense that we’ve all compromised ourselves to some extent. But it is not logical to keep doing it.
I say, screw it. It’s NOT worth it to compromise yourself. ever. I tried fitting in this town by doing things I would never have done before and the outcome was that I became very sick and depressed. Many of you have witnessed my psychological demise through many scary angry posts in the past year and a half. I truly apologize for this and I thank those readers who stuck by me despite everything I may have said. Clearly, things had to change. I had to change.
When I scrapped it all and started being my true self, all my acquaintances just disappeared around me. By not participating in the culture and mentality of this town, I got dissed. I was actually told by a person, that the reason I do not have any friends here is because I don’t have an open door policy (as in, I don’t like if people just come to my house unannounced…I wasn’t raised that way) and am not really a drinker. Yep. I’ve been told. But you know what? I don’t care.
Living here right now with no social life & basically no friends, hasn’t been easy. I admit that. But I am continuing to be myself even though it doesn’t work here, even though many people don’t understand me or may think I am weird, assertive or snobby. I just don’t care anymore.
It is unbelievable how much better I feel now. And how everything in my life has just started flowing again. My energy is good. I feel healthy and happy. I am reading a lot and hanging out in my favourite places, just being me without worry. It feels so good.
Imagine what surprises await you once you burst out of your shell? Once you see who truly loves you for who you are? I promise, it may hurt a little at first but you’ll come out of this wondering why you didn’t do this years ago.