Top 5 Warning Signs that a Relationship Isn’t Right
|May 28, 2012||Posted by under General Content & Rants|
I don’t know what is going on these days, but so many relationships around me have ended as of late. I’ve written a lot about relationships, specifically how I conduct all of mine. (which, as you know are not mainstream unions/friendships)
Although many will never live a life like mine (a polyamorous one), many of the suggestions I have given are useful for most progressive people. Communication, Honesty, Openness..these are all relevant to all relationships, including friendships.
What I’ve seen often, is people wondering whether or not they should be/stay in the relationship. Usually when children or property are involved the decision becomes a lot more difficult. In my experience, it appears that people spend months if not years on deciding whether or not a relationship is worth staying in. So you end up “wasting” time trying to make these tough decisions & trying to figure out what is best for you and everyone else involved. People are afraid to leave what is comfortable and familiar as well. That seems to be the issue here.
I didn’t want to make this post overly wordy and lengthy. I wanted to give a list of 5 things (or warning signs) when you know you should move on from a relationship. Hopefully this list will spare you years or months of trying to make that difficult decision to move on. No one needs to settle in life, for anything.
5 WARNINGS SIGNS THAT A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T RIGHT
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, these tips are from my own experiences with myself and other people. Take it with a grain of salt if you need to. There are more than 5 warnings, but these are the most important ones. Hope this helps.
1. YOU DON’T LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE PERSON
I mentioned this one recently. Yes, everyone has their quirks. But your reaction to them is what matters. If you actually get very annoyed with some of your significant other’s personality traits, then it’s time to call it quits. I know this sounds harsh, but trust me on this one. My partner of 17 years has quirks, I definitely have a lot of my own but we love them all. I don’t get irritated by his quirks, they just make me laugh. I laugh about them. He is who he is. If I didn’t love 100% of it, I wouldn’t bother with the relationship. Maybe you can settle for mediocrity, but I prefer not to do that. When you find that person (people) who you love so much (whether as friends, partners or lovers), you take all their quirks. You don’t simply tolerate them, you love them all. It’s the truth. If you are simply tolerating them right now, there is a good chance that years down the road your tolerance will turn into hatred or resentment. I’ve seen it. Try not to let this happen to you. If you are trying to change something about your partner or there is something you really don’t like, it’s time to walk.
2. YOU ARE KEEPING SECRETS AND LYING
For starters, we all have secrets. But they shouldn’t be the kind of secrets that you are keeping to yourself because your significant other will get upset. This can be anything from withholding personality traits, interests (sexual or otherwise), a conversation you had with an attractive person,…whatever it is, if you withhold that stuff, you’re starting off on the wrong foot. Those lies and secrets have a very interesting way of surfacing, even years later. I once read a quote which I think is relevant to this: “If you don’t want anyone to find out about it, don’t do it”. So take this into consideration. Say you accidentally kissed someone at the bar (it was a long night…you were drunk): If you’re in a monogamous arrangement (not my life, but realize this is most people’s) and you can’t tell your partner what happened because you’re afraid, that’s bad news for you. Sorry. If your partner isn’t mature enough to handle all truths (regarding any complex human behaviours), or you can’t spit out the news, then it’s time to walk. Find someone who is mature enough to handle the truth or be mature enough to tell the truth as well: all of it not just 95% of it. Truth is difficult to tell or handle at times, but it is imperative for a successful relationship. If you’re already withholding or hiding things, it’s time to walk.
3. YOU ACT DIFFERENTLY WITH OTHER PEOPLE
This is something I’ve seen A LOT over the years. It’s quite common but frankly I think it’s ridiculous. I was always hanging around with the guys and noticed how weird it was that they were normal around me, but when other girls would show up (their girlfriends, primarily), they would completely change the way they spoke, acted and reacted to things. I swore to myself that I would never ever let some guy act differently in front of me. I want to see the real person. If you’re a flirt, swear like a sailor and are crude then I want to know! I am very open-minded, so there isn’t much a person can do to shock me. But I want to be given a chance to accept all of you. I don’t want to vilify women here, but I commonly see them trying to control what men do a lot by telling them what is right and not right. Most of it has to do with women trying to get men to “grow up” (don’t get me started on this, it irks me). For one, if your partner was looking for a parental figure, they would have stayed living with mom. I’m sorry, but no one should ever be allowed to tell anyone how to be. If you don’t like it, don’t change it!! Men (or even women for that matter) are not projects or puppets for anyone to perfect. You don’t date someone so you can mold them into something or change things about them. If you’re not showing your true colours around your significant other, that’s a red flag. Find someone who can watch you act any way you want at any time and they will just let you be yourself and support ALL of you, instead of making criticizing comments or trying to change you. If you’re not the same around your friends than you are with your partner, it’s time to walk.
4. LACK OF TRUST
This really should have been #1 but none of these tips are in order of importance. Are you that person who is constantly paranoid that your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating? Talking to someone else? Or you have that feeling that your partner isn’t truly honest or you think they are hiding something or lying? If you lack trust, it’s almost impossible to fix it. If it isn’t there from the start, it will never come. Trust me on this one. You’ll be subconsciously waiting for a lie to surface so you can catch them. You’ll always be chasing that feeling of mistrust. And if your partner is mistrusting you and has no reason for it, it’s time to walk too. Trust, it’s there or it isn’t. It usually doesn’t come back if you lost it. Couples therapy won’t fix trust, nothing will, not even time. Lack of trust can be an issue you have with yourself (due to personal insecurities) or you have a bad gut feeling about the person you’re with. No matter what, once you are at the point where you lack trust, it’s usually time to end things.
5. DIFFERENT KEY MORALS & VALUES
We are all individuals, at least I’d like to think so. Just because you are with someone, it doesn’t mean you will love to do all the same things. Having different interests is great, this means you can share new things with your partner! When it comes to morals and values, this is when difference can be problematic. You have to decide which values and morals need to be the same for a happy union to exist. For example, I am an Atheist. If someone was very Christian and went to church every Sunday, I don’t think we could ever be together. It’s important to me that my partner(s) have similar views. Although, I’ve always been open to people questioning things from a scientific perspective for example. But I could never date someone who calls themselves a Christian. It would never work for me.
If you want to be married and your partner doesn’t, not good. Same with the kid issue (you should never have to convince a person to have kids if they aren’t feeling it). Or, if you are a very left-wing socialist and your partner is a staunch right-winger, it is unlikely that you’ll want to be together if you are very political minded. Everyone is different but you need to make sure you have the same morals and headed down the same path in life. I’ve known couples who were very different in terms of where they wanted to live. If you’re a city person and need to be in a place with millions of people (like me!!) but your partner is a country or suburban type, things will never work. Sorry. I don’t believe in compromising with this kind of thing because resentment will eventually set in. It really does. Make sure your core values and morals match your partner(s)’
So for everyone out there who is either single or contemplating the state of their current relationship, I do hope this will save you some time in making a very difficult decision.
I also want to mention that it is o.k to be in a relationship that you know will not last. As long as you are aware of this, that perhaps the relationship is a learning experience for example, then it’s alright. Just don’t delude yourself.