Why I am a female reject
|June 8, 2012||Posted by under General Content & Rants|
As we’re approaching wedding season, I am reminded again how separated I am from my own gender. I just don’t get their ways and the things they want out of life. I don’t get most of them, at all. I haven’t been to a wedding in years, and that was a low key one for an older friend who was marrying for the second time. In total, I have been to 4 weddings including my own which I only stayed at for 45minutes. (that’s another story in itself, I find weddings so pointless)
I am 42 years old and have never been to a baby or wedding shower nor a bachelorette party. Ever. Don’t feel sorry for me, I count myself lucky that I haven’t had to endure such frivolous activities. Sorry for being insulting but I never understood any of it, which is likely the reason I never befriended anyone who wanted to partake in any of these events. I surround myself with like minded individuals, and there aren’t many around who feel the way I do about monogamy, weddings and babies.
My entire life, I’ve been rejected by most women for various reasons. I didn’t understand it at first. As a child, I didn’t understand why guys took to me and most of the girls stayed clear. It got to a point where I was just used to it. Being around boys was normal, being around girls was not. The nerdy & geeky boys loved me; we truly understood each other for some reason. I remember some of them telling me that they wished they could talk to other girls like they talked to me. I didn’t even understand why they couldn’t talk to other girls like they did with me, I still don’t understand why that is. I also don’t remember there being many other nerdy girls back then, I don’t think it was cool to be a geek in those days so perhaps many of them were just trying to escape that image.
However, there was a brief period in junior high and high school where I had a small group of cool female friends. They never remained close but they were wonderful girls and not the kind who spent countless hours in washrooms talking about makeup and boys. To me, there were way more important things in life than that. I didn’t understand why they wasted their time talking about nonsense.
In my early 20′s, having all male friends was fine and I didn’t really notice the disconnect with my own gender. When I moved to Germany in 1994 (I was 24), I remember people in the village where I lived, didn’t understand why all my friends were male. I just told them that it was normal in Canada to have both male and female friends. They didn’t get it and often questioned me about it. An older women actually stopped talking to me because my male friends hung out with me in my room. Nuts, I know.
In my early 30′s, things were feeling a little different. People were getting married and having kids, though no one I knew, just most of the population. All those girls that were supposedly cool, anarchistic, punk, hippie and free were all dropping like flies now and conforming. The cool women I had been acquainted with settled for mainstream life and once again I was left behind with my ideas being supported solely by men, not one woman. Not one.
To paint a clearer picture of how people see me: I remember being at a party with a lot of gay men (I was actually the only woman there) and someone who didn’t know me that well said to me: “Oh, you’re one of those fag-hags or fruit flies”. Then a few of them piped up and one guy said to this person: “No, she’s not like that, she’s not one of those, she is one of us. She even has a penis but you can’t see it, it’s phantom.”
For the record, most straight men are intimidated by me and would never date me (again, because I think like a man). Though I am happy about that part.
So even men see me as another dude, not as a woman. Even though I do have a vagina and breasts, that doesn’t seem to count. No matter what I do, I can’t escape this image. I couldn’t escape it at 7 years old, nor can I escape it at 42.
Now, I even wear ladylike clothing and started wearing some makeup in the past few years, but evidence has proven that my manliness can’t be hidden behind feminine clothing, a splash of floral perfume and a little colour on my face. I can run but I can’t hide, so it seems.
The worst part, is that I’ve been told by other women that something is wrong with me if I can’t connect with my own gender. Someone actually said that if they meet a women who doesn’t connect with most other women, that this is a red flag. So now I am red flagged?? It’s not that I ever rejected them, they’ve rejected me. I find it amusing that this is somehow my own fault. I guess women do blame everything on men, because they blamed me for something I didn’t even do. I am just being myself.
I’ve concluded that it’s time for me to stop wondering where these like-minded women are hiding. I give up.
Sure, a handful of women who will do or have done the wedding/baby thing say they accept me for my current anti-baby/anti-wedding/anti-monogamy views but the truth is that they will never truly understand how I really see and experience things in life. Just like I will never understand why they do the things they do.
So here’s to all of you brilliant geeky and nerdy “beta males” who have been there for and with me since I was a child. I love you all. You’ve always been around and made me feel less isolated in this world, so thank you all for that. I am looking forward to meeting/befriending/dating more of you.
I have finally accepted my life’s fate. I can’t change it or who I am inside just so I can understand women better or to be accepted. Sadly, there isn’t much I can do at this point to be truly understood by my own gender anymore.
And I am o.k. with that now.