Why I am a female reject
| June 8, 2012 | Posted by under General Content & Rants |
As we’re approaching wedding season, I am reminded again how separated I am from my own gender. I just don’t get their ways and the things they want out of life. I don’t get most of them, at all. I haven’t been to a wedding in years, and that was a low key one for an older friend who was marrying for the second time. In total, I have been to 4 weddings including my own which I only stayed at for 45minutes. (that’s another story in itself, I find weddings so pointless)
I am 42 years old and have never been to a baby or wedding shower nor a bachelorette party. Ever. Don’t feel sorry for me, I count myself lucky that I haven’t had to endure such frivolous activities. Sorry for being insulting but I never understood any of it, which is likely the reason I never befriended anyone who wanted to partake in any of these events. I surround myself with like minded individuals, and there aren’t many around who feel the way I do about monogamy, weddings and babies.
My entire life, I’ve been rejected by most women for various reasons. I didn’t understand it at first. As a child, I didn’t understand why guys took to me and most of the girls stayed clear. It got to a point where I was just used to it. Being around boys was normal, being around girls was not. The nerdy & geeky boys loved me; we truly understood each other for some reason. I remember some of them telling me that they wished they could talk to other girls like they talked to me. I didn’t even understand why they couldn’t talk to other girls like they did with me, I still don’t understand why that is. I also don’t remember there being many other nerdy girls back then, I don’t think it was cool to be a geek in those days so perhaps many of them were just trying to escape that image.
However, there was a brief period in junior high and high school where I had a small group of cool female friends. They never remained close but they were wonderful girls and not the kind who spent countless hours in washrooms talking about makeup and boys. To me, there were way more important things in life than that. I didn’t understand why they wasted their time talking about nonsense.
In my early 20′s, having all male friends was fine and I didn’t really notice the disconnect with my own gender. When I moved to Germany in 1994 (I was 24), I remember people in the village where I lived, didn’t understand why all my friends were male. I just told them that it was normal in Canada to have both male and female friends. They didn’t get it and often questioned me about it. An older women actually stopped talking to me because my male friends hung out with me in my room. Nuts, I know.
In my early 30′s, things were feeling a little different. People were getting married and having kids, though no one I knew, just most of the population. All those girls that were supposedly cool, anarchistic, punk, hippie and free were all dropping like flies now and conforming. The cool women I had been acquainted with settled for mainstream life and once again I was left behind with my ideas being supported solely by men, not one woman. Not one.
To paint a clearer picture of how people see me: I remember being at a party with a lot of gay men (I was actually the only woman there) and someone who didn’t know me that well said to me: “Oh, you’re one of those fag-hags or fruit flies”. Then a few of them piped up and one guy said to this person: “No, she’s not like that, she’s not one of those, she is one of us. She even has a penis but you can’t see it, it’s phantom.”
For the record, most straight men are intimidated by me and would never date me (again, because I think like a man). Though I am happy about that part. 
So even men see me as another dude, not as a woman. Even though I do have a vagina and breasts, that doesn’t seem to count. No matter what I do, I can’t escape this image. I couldn’t escape it at 7 years old, nor can I escape it at 42.
Now, I even wear ladylike clothing and started wearing some makeup in the past few years, but evidence has proven that my manliness can’t be hidden behind feminine clothing, a splash of floral perfume and a little colour on my face. I can run but I can’t hide, so it seems.
The worst part, is that I’ve been told by other women that something is wrong with me if I can’t connect with my own gender. Someone actually said that if they meet a women who doesn’t connect with most other women, that this is a red flag. So now I am red flagged?? It’s not that I ever rejected them, they’ve rejected me. I find it amusing that this is somehow my own fault. I guess women do blame everything on men, because they blamed me for something I didn’t even do. I am just being myself.
I’ve concluded that it’s time for me to stop wondering where these like-minded women are hiding. I give up.
Sure, a handful of women who will do or have done the wedding/baby thing say they accept me for my current anti-baby/anti-wedding/anti-monogamy views but the truth is that they will never truly understand how I really see and experience things in life. Just like I will never understand why they do the things they do.
So here’s to all of you brilliant geeky and nerdy “beta males” who have been there for and with me since I was a child. I love you all. You’ve always been around and made me feel less isolated in this world, so thank you all for that. I am looking forward to meeting/befriending/dating more of you.
I have finally accepted my life’s fate. I can’t change it or who I am inside just so I can understand women better or to be accepted. Sadly, there isn’t much I can do at this point to be truly understood by my own gender anymore.
And I am o.k. with that now.
Red flagged in what sense? To be avoided because you challenge their norm? Personal experience indicates that many people do not like to be challenged or their belief systems questioned.
Never heard of the term Beta-male before. The first few definitions were intriguing, the latter, less flattering.
I think next to accepting yourself (No.1 on the list of personal things to do) is accepting how you will be viewed by the various cultures and not to let it affect No.1. You know well enough from travel that the latter changes, sometimes drastically, depending on where you are in the world. Making it all the more important to accept yourself, else you can get lost.
I actually think all the definitions for the Beta-Male are perfect and flattering to those men, especially for me. That’s the only type of man I like, the ones who reject social order and their own gender stereotypes. As you already know, the typical male who likes to be in control and manly is NOT the right kind for me. Sadly, those beta-men are quite rare.
And yes, women feel that I threaten the whole “gathering” act by thinking that marriage and children are not necessary (marriage should be stopped!) and that 100% physical and emotional monogamy is completely unrealistic in this day and age. No woman wants another female around who isn’t big on monogamy, they feel that it’s threatening. Because lets face it, most men don’t truly believe in monogamy but women often force them to be that way. I accept who I am, I just wish I’d meet women like me every now and again. It’s lonely sometimes. Oh well…
Hi! I’m the ‘red flag’ commenter! Yes, it is absolutely a red flag to me that you would write off an entire gender (that’s slightly more than 50% of the population), because you don’t like marriage, kids, and conformity. I truly do not understand what one has to do with the other.
I too am not a huge advocate of marriage, I too choose to be childfree and live my life according to my own desires. But why would that make me a ‘female reject’?? I was raised in a matriarchal family, and raised to value women, feminism and independent thought.
I have encountered a marriage crazy breed of women ONE time in my life, that was living in New York working with a bunch of women who were very heteronormative. But the rest of my life I’ve sought out and maintained friendships with both genders. People’s views on marriage etc are irrelevant to me. I too have been to about 3 weddings in my life, I too think weddings are an expensive headache. But why, oh why, would that make me a ‘female reject’?
If 50% of the population seemed to find me disagreeable on some leve, I think at some point that would make me wonder if I have something to do with it.
Women are a heterogeneous group. Have you never met a man who was possessive, obsessed with monogamy, marriage minded and controlling? It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like you have rigid compartments where you put members of each gender. And, I’m sorry to say, I don’t think this is healthy for you.
Anyway, you’re entitled to your beliefs and values, this is your blog after all. You seem like a really intelligent woman has an achilles heel–purporting to be extremely noncomformist and open minded, while at the same time supporting the most rigid and outdated ideas both women AND men.
You should pick up a copy of “Bitch” magazine–it’s an amazing resource and has very progressive analysis of the media. You might find there are some women out there after all who aren’t all racing to a bridal shower or clinging to a weak man! Best to you.
i’m linking to an article i wrote for xojane about engagements–
http://www.xojane.com/issues/why-i-snarked-strangers-recent-engagement
Thank you so much for your comments Sarah. You have to understand that I currently live in a place where gender roles are defined and very “1950′s” which makes me an outcast here. Practically everyone gets married and has kids. If you don’t, you’re just seen as weird or faulty. Questioning the status-quo makes you a trouble maker in this place. Unfortunately, I can not control my experiences with people here, they are what they are. And I haven’t “written off” an entire gender, definitely not and I apologize if it came off that way. Just perhaps the ones who are keeping progression behind but many men contribute to that as well. I know once I move out of this small town, things will change with that problem. I know I will meet more progressive women where I am going. This blog post is mainly describing my experiences. It’s not what I wanted, it’s what it was/is. I do love Bitch Magazine by the way. And thank you for the link to your article..Peace. Oh and to answer your question, there are tons of macho men around here too..they don’t flock to me, thankfully.
I’m just bummed you still think there is such a thing as ‘thinking like a man’ or a woman for that matter. if a man said i was just like one of them (a guy), just missing a penis, i would be really offended. that, to me, is the epitome of rigid gender roles. no, independent thought is not gendered male.
i’m a woman; any thought i have, is a ‘female’ thought….do you see what i mean?
obviously i’ve given a lot of thought to this. i just think women are so rad and i don’t know any of these stepford types you talk about. nor do i think men have any cognitive or intellectual advantage over women in any way.
sorry if i seem angry about this issue, truly it’s important to me (and you obvi)
if you’re ever in toronto and want to go for coffee email me!
Sarah, I am actually moving to Toronto later this year because I am miserable here and need to get out of this 1950′s environment. I know how many wonderful women will be there in Toronto, progressive ones! I can’t wait to connect. And likely, my experiences will change and I will no longer have to endure this nonsense stepford wife attitude. I completely understand that it makes you angry, me too. Looking forward to being around women who “get-it” and who accept me for being me. Thanks for your support Sarah!
Thank you for writing this, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! Even my husband says I’m not really a woman (he also says this is why we’re together).